The Indian Prime Minister, Mr. Narendra Modi, has been specially invited by the FIFA president Mr. Joseph “Sepp” Blatter to the July 14 final match of the 2014 FIFA World Cup finals. Reportedly, the invite is under FIFA’s “Football to Food” initiative that helps poor kids to take up football so that they can eat when they grow up. In his invite to Mr. Modi, Mr. Blatter has confessed that the inspiration for the “Football to Food” program came to him after listening to Mr. Modi’s speeches mentioning initiatives like “Farm to Factory” and “Fiber to Fashion”. “There’s a nice ring to the letter ‘F’ in those phrases” said Mr. Blatter in his letter.
The PMO recently organized a special press conference to share Mr. Modi’s plan and views on this first-ever invite by a FIFA President to an Indian Prime Minister. The presser was held in the South Block and, as a departure from the UPA tradition, before the presser, the reporters were lavished generous servings of Khandvi, Dhokla, Shrikhand and Jaljeera instead of the customary Scotch and tandoori. Mr. Modi, in his third Kurta-Pajama of the day (it was 4 PM already), was joined by Mrs. Smriti Irani, the Education Minister; Dr. Harshvardhan, the Health Minister; the Goa Chief Minister Mr. Manohar Parrikar; Mrs. Sushma Swaraj, Minister of External Affairs.
“It is another victory for NDA”, Mr. Modi began, “when the world’s superpowers want to learn from us”. “Mukesh Bhai told me that FIFA is one of the most powerful corporations in the world with over 1.5 billion dollars of cash.” “We want the entire world to benefit from Gujarat’s, sorry, India’s experience through this FIFA initiative.”
On being asked about the other members of the delegation, this is what Mr. Modi had to say.
“Ismriti Ji has been included in the delegation to for her special inputs on the psychology of the kids who do not want to study beyond school, or do not want to study at all, and want to play football instead.”
“You will be surprised to know that most of the great footballers, ek do Socrates ko chhodh kar, never studied beyond high school!”
“These Brazilian kids playing football in tabelas will be the future stars…IFFF...they do not attend college!”
(At this point, Mr. Manohar Parrikar, whispered something into Mr. Modi’s ear.)
“Mera matlab favelas…”
On Dr. Harshvardhan, Mr. Modi drew the reporters’ collective attention to the situation inside football locker rooms and the private lives of the footballers.
“Take the case of Ronaldo and other popular footballers. They might be living under the false belief that wearing condoms prevents AIDS. It is actually values, not condoms, that prevent AIDS!”
“I want Dr. Harshvardhan to advise the players to abstain from sex with their girlfriends until marriage to prevent AIDS. And, if they can't control themselves, they should keep a pack of values instead of condoms handy.”
Dr. Harshvadhan added, “The players must stay alive to play football and feed their families. AIDS kills!”
(At this point, Dr. Harshvardhan, flashed a placard reading: “No sex, no condom, no AIDS!”)
Mrs. Sushma Swaraj, according to Mr. Modi, will request FIFA to have the World Cup commentary in Sanskrit also for the benefit of all of the 2000 people worldwide who’ll ever listen to it.
When a reporter asked Mr. Parrikar, why he did not accompany the MLAs from his government on their junket to Brazil, he smiled and said “My MLAs were just a cover. A batch of sleuths from the IB has also accompanied them to survey the situation in the Maracana stadium and the Copacabana beach, the places where Mr. Modi’s entourage will be visiting.”
As the piece de resistance of the evening, keeping in line with Mr. Modi's penchant for mauke-ki-topi, Mr. Modi’s designer headgear for his stadium appearance was also unveiled. Here’s a sneak peek: